One whole year. (If you're new around here, you can read about my angle baby, Banks, on my personal blog, here.) I can't believe how much has happened in a year. It's been one year since the shortest hello and fastest goodbye. A year ago today I delivered my sleeping little boy. A year ago I was forced to live with a piece of my heart in Heaven. I had everything planned out - how the nursery was going to look, how I was going to transition Jones to being a big brother, all of it... until my plans weren't relevant anymore. Until my "pine tree" themed nursery became a "pine tree" themed gravesite service. My world came crashing down and for awhile, I wasn't ok. There are days when I'm still not ok. I once read something online explaining grief. Picture grief as a big ball that barely fits in a box. Every time the ball touches a side of the box you are overcome with grief and sorrow and all the natural responses to your situation. As time goes on, the ball gets smaller, but it's still there. It still hits the side of the box and you feel all the feelings. That's how this past year felt. 

      May 23rd came. My baby's first birthday. I wanted Banks to have a birthday party, just like I would for his siblings. In the back of my mind I had been planning it for weeks. But with his little brother Fields on the way, there was no "for sure" that it would happen. Especially since Jones was 10 days late and Fields' due date was the 18th of May. Luckily everything worked out to where I was able to be induced and Fields joined our Earthly family on the 14th of May. Pine trees are my little reminder of Banks. They make me happy and help me think of him. So his little pine tree themed nursery and gravesite also transformed into his birthday party. We invited all of Danny and I's siblings and parents and met at Banks' plot on the 23rd at 7. It was a very rainy Oregon day in Sandy Utah. I didn't mind the rain, it made all the colors so bright and vibrant, just like Banks. We decorated his site with balloons and pinwheels and even made him a little birthday cake. It was a simple, intimate gathering. With the rain being so strong, we headed back to my mom's house to hang out and eat cupcakes. His birthday present this year will be his headstone. Although he's not physically with us, I felt like our whole family was there. Banks was there with us to celebrate. My sweet, guardian angel watches over us and comforts us. It will be such a happy day when I'll get to see him again in Heaven. Happy Birthday little one. You are so loved.