I Miscarried Again | Whitney Beth Photography
 

Trigger warning - miscarriage 

I miscarried again. This is my third baby that I didn’t get to meet earth side. This should’ve been my 5th child. Instead I get to wonder and think about what might’ve been. Were you a girl or boy? Would you have my feet like the rest of your siblings? Would I need to use chocolate as a bribe to teach you to walk? Would you look more like me or like Danny? All these unanswered questions that I won’t have answers to for a very long time. 

(The day I found out I was pregnant! 4weeks 3 days)

I found out I was pregnant September 24th. And for a glorious two weeks I dreamed, and I planned, and I documented. I took the first and last bump picture. I began searching online for bunk beds to move Fields over into Jones’ room. I let myself linger longer in the baby girl section. The ads online were all targeted towards baby dopplers and monitors. All was right and full of hope. 

After a loss you can’t help but feel anxious. In fact, once I gave birth to Fields and they laid his fresh, new, body on my chest I let out a breath and breathed. I breathed as if I had been holding my breath for nine months. After losing Peyton (the first baby I miscarried and would be second born) every other pregnancy was a hopeful anxious mess of emotions. Every time I went to the bathroom I expected to see blood. Every. Time. So in the early afternoon on the 2nd when I wiped and was met with the slightest tinge of pink, my heart sunk. I tried to calm myself and say it was just harmless spotting. But as the day wore on and the cramping came and the blood increased, I knew. 

(at 5 weeks along, you were the size of a mini m&m)

Losing this baby was like some sort of cruel deja vu. I was supposed to be due on the 31st of May, and instead miscarried later that night on October 2nd. The day I miscarried was also the day I had a photoshoot. I decided to keep it as scheduled since either way, there was nothing I could do, and I could use a distraction. When I was pregnant for that brief time with Peyton, she was due the 6th of May and I lost her the 7th of October after retuning home from a photoshoot. This painful familiarity cuts deep. It makes you question and analyze every action, every choice made up until that point. Searching and yearning for there to be something you did wrong. Something you did to cause this baby to be lost. Something you can avoid in the future. But that searching for blame does nothing but hurt yourself even more. The thing about miscarriages is there is often nothing you could’ve done to change the outcome. Which is an incredibly hard pill to swallow. 

I miscarried again. Even though I don’t get to meet this baby on earth, I know that I’m still his/her mom. They count. I am a mother to five - even though I only get to raise two during my life. I will see them again. I have found myself an accidental spokesperson for miscarriage and infant loss. It is something I never would’ve dreamed I’d be doing in the thick of raising my kids. Yet here we are. With October being infant loss and miscarriage awareness I believe it is SO important for women to see that they are not alone. There is a deep pain that so many women have in common and it needs to be talked about. 

(The day my miscarriage was confirmed)

I know someday I’ll get to hold this little babe and squish those chubby cheeks, but until then, I’ll keep their memory alive. I’ll tell their siblings about them and paint a picture of this baby hanging out with Peyton and Banks in heaven along with other family members. I know they’re watching over us and I can feel their presence in our homes. Losing a child is the hardest things I’ve gone through, but maybe by me going through it I can help someone else. If you’ve gone through or are going through loss and need to talk, I am here for you. You are loved, your baby is loved, it’s hard, and it sucks, but we will be ok. Love you.