My Postpartum Journey and Dealing with PPD | Whitney Beth Photography

Thankfully we live in a world where people are much more open to talking about depression and anxieties. I’m one of the unfortunate ones who’ve had to deal with postpartum more times than they have living children. If you’re new around here, I have four kids, but only two are Earth side. In age order; Jones (4) Peyton (October 7th, 2017), Banks (May 23rd, 2018) and Fields is turning one on May 14th.

BY RCMarx Baby Jones April 18th, 2016

After having Jones I didn’t realize that I had PPD. I just thought I was getting used to being a new mom. After losing Peyton I dealt with a miscarriage no one knew about and it was rough. I lost her about 12 weeks in. - It was also then that I decided to not wait to tell people that we were expecting. How do you bring that up? That yesterday you were pregnant but no one knew and now today you aren’t and still no one knows? It was hard, and I was in a dark place for awhile. The hardest part was not having anything tangible of Peyton's, nothing that claimed she was really "there," so painted. I ended up painting two pictures. One - an abstract of color and fury and all the raw emotions I wanted to push out onto the canvas, and the other, a peony. That was to be her nursery theme. It tells of calm and acceptance and sorrow. This helped me maintain some normalcy until we found out on Christmas Eve that we were pregnant again!

Peyton's Paintings

I delivered my sleeping Banks at 26 weeks, and on top of dealing with all the effects of afterbirth I had to mourn the death of my infant son as well. It was a painful recovery, both physically and mentally. I wasn’t prepared to have my milk come in with no baby to feed. Or waiting until the 6 week postpartum mark to start exercising again. After Banks the worst part of me was how I looked. Now that I wasn’t pregnant anymore, I especially didn’t want to look pregnant. I didn’t want the shape or size of my body to be a talking point for ignorant, well-meaning people to bring up painful memories I didn’t want to address while standing in line at the grocery store. After Banks I dove into counting macros and working out hard. I made a lofty goal of making it back in the 120’s before I got pregnant again. I wanted to make sure I had a good, healthy base for the next kiddo. The day I took that positive pregnancy test was the day I weighed in at 129 lbs. It doesn’t seem like much, but it was a tender mercy.

Baby Banks May 23td, 2018

Now here we are nearly a year postpartum with fields. (For those of you trying to keep track, at the end of my pregnancy with Fields, and including Banks and Peyton’s short lived pregnancies, I had been pregnant for 18 out of 24 months.) After giving birth to Fields, it felt like I had been holding my breath for the last nine months. I could breathe. But with his birth came all the challenges of PPD. To add to the stress, Fields had high bilirubin levels and had to be on the lights and having his blood tested for the first 10 days of his life. Once that settled, I noticed myself having less and less patience with Jones - understandable I thought, we are back in the newborn stage and he was no longer the center of attention. But as we came to establish our routine, I found I had this rage within me. I was constantly fighting the urge to yell and my patience was paper thin. It was one day (about 2 months postpartum) when I noticed that I was mad at Jones and annoyed for how long he was taking to put on his shoes. He was THREE. It was then that I called my doctor and he prescribed me a medication to help. I had also started working out and counting macros. 

Baby Fields May 14th, 2019

I started counting macros at three weeks postpartum and started working out at eight weeks postpartum. Having that exercise release was much needed. I felt happier and had more energy. I’ll be the first to admit that I pack on the pounds during pregnancy. With Jones I gained 60 lbs. I lost it all during his first year, but it was hard, and a lot of work! I decided I was going to be more active during the next pregnancies. But with Peyton and Banks being cut short and then getting pregnant pretty soon after the other I was never at “my goal starting weight.” I managed to loose 20 lbs between Banks and Fields, but I still had 20 lbs of baby weight from the other two kids. They day I gave birth to Fields I weighed in at 176 lbs. Today, nearly a year postpartum I weigh in at 121 lbs. Just one pound away from pre Jonesey. 

(8 Weeks postpartum vs last day of my 12 week workout around 11 1/2 months postpartum - down 55 lbs and up a lot of muscle)

I don’t tell you all this to brag, but rather to explain how my brain works. I am a very goal oriented person. I love making lists and the feeling I get when I cross them off. I worked out to BBG with Kayla Itsines - which was so great. It is a 12 week program and I made a chart that I could cross off as I completed each week. I was also observant enough to know that working out and eating healthy was not cutting it alone. There is no shame in getting medical help. Everybody is different, and we all deal with postpartum differently. I wish I would’ve gotten medical help after Jones, but truthfully I didn’t know I had PPD. I didn’t know that it comes in different forms other than sadness. I didn’t know that you could get postpartum anxiety as well. I’m so thankful that I was able to see the signs of my rage and have the clarity to identify that that wasn’t me. That I needed extra help, and that it was ok to do so. So to all my mamas out there, motherhood is hard, you are not alone. If you need to talk, I’m here. Asking for help should be celebrated, not shamed. Motherhood is the most precious ability we have, it’s tough, but that’s why you have your village.